こんにちは。kazです。
超生きにくさを感じていた私なんですが、
今めちゃくちゃ人生が有意義になりました。
完璧主義で、
イライラしやすくて、
こういう性格変えられないの！
どうせ私は幸せになれないの！って
開き直ったり、
やっぱり私はできない
なんでみんなできるの？
どうせ私なんてって
落ち込んだり、
そんな人だったのですが、
うつ病と診断されて、
学校（職場）に行けなくなって、
生きていてもしょうがないって
そこまでいったんですけど、
あれから約１年、
今が人生で一番充実してるなんて。
そしてこれからもっともっと
幸せになれそうだーなんて思ってる。
１年の間に何があったのか、
それを上手くお伝えできれば
今辛い状況にある人たちの
助けになると思っているので、
こうして綴っています。
少しずつ出していくしかできない。
それが、誰かの何らかの
きっかけになればいいなと思っています。
で、人生が前に進み始めたのは、
タイトルにもある通り、
『人生の主人公になれた』というのが
大きいと思っています。
いくらがんばっても幸せな結末はやってこないんですよ、
それが、主人公になると毎日が充実するんですよ、
人生を考え始めたあなたなら大丈夫！
そのへんを書いていこうと思います。
『毎日の積み重ねが人生』の恐ろしい事実
まず、人生について考えたことってあります？
私はありませんでした。
毎日毎日一生懸命生きていましたよ。
仕事に育児に家事、
手を抜くことができない人だったから、
全力で生きていました。
その毎日の積み重ねが人生。
全身全霊を注いでいるんですから、
悪い人生になるはずがない！
絶対に幸せな人生になるんだ！
言葉にしたことはありませんでしたが、
幸せになって当たり前でしょ、くらいに思っていたのかな。
でも現実は・・・
不幸せではなかったです。
恵まれていた方かもしれません。
んー・・・でも・・・
思っていた幸せではないんだなぁ。
なんか違う。
こんなに頑張ってるんだから、
もっと幸せ感じられてもいいはずなのに、
違うんだよなぁ・・・
いつもいつも、
こんな感じでした。
辛くて辛くて仕方ないわけではない。
でもずーっと違和感があった。
それを続けていたら、倒れてしまった。
うつの時はさすがに辛かったです。
なんか違う、なんか違う、
もっと良くなる、もっと幸せになれる、
でもなんか違うんだよーーー
それが私の中で膨らんで、破裂したんだと思います。
それで初めて人生に向き合うことに。
『毎日の積み重ねが人生になる』
を、大きく勘違いしていました。
８０歳くらいになって、
「私の人生ってこういうもんだったなぁ。
あの時はあんなことして、
この時はこんなことして、
毎日がんばってたよなぁ。」
って後から振り返るものって思っていました。
毎日を過ごしていたら、
なんとなく人生ができあがっていく、
そんなイメージだったんです。
それはつまり、
目的地が設定されていないまま、
何となく毎日歩いていて、
８０余年、ここに到着していた。
これが私の人生でした。
チャンチャン。
え！！
いやいやいや、それで終わりなの！？
８０年以上がんばって、
なんとなくの場所に到着って！？
私は３６年でしたけど、
こういう人生を歩んでしまいました。
だからずっと違和感があった。
目的地は、まあ漠然と「幸せ」ではありましたが、
幸せって・・・なに？
・・・わかんない
だから、毎日、
目的にしてないところにたどり着いては、
なんか違うんだよなーって、
あたりまえ！！！
目的地もはっきりさせてないのに、
一生懸命歩いて、
はぁはぁ、ぜぇぜぇしながら、
毎日ひたすら歩いて歩いて、
ここどこー？なんか違うー。
そんな人生にしちゃっていたのは、
紛れもなく、自分。
チーーーン。
じゃあどうすればいいかって、
目的地を決める！！！
ゴール目指して歩き出す。
がんばり屋の私は、
休むことなく歩く。
目的地に近づいているのがわかるから、
ワクワクしながら歩ける。
それが今の毎日の充実感ってわけ。
人生の主人公になるって、どういうこと？
漫画でもアニメでもドラマでもいいんですけど、
結末に向かってストーリーは進んでいますよね。
山あり、谷あり、
大波、小波、
主人公がいろんな場面で、
いろんな経験をして、
そして結末がやってくる。
もし
主人公が行動していなかったら？
主人公がストーリーと関係ないことしていたら？
ストーリーは進まない、
その話終わらない、
ていうか、そんなドラマつまんないから、見ない。
ですよね。
下手したら、
自分のストーリーほったらかして、
他人のストーリーをなぞってたなんてことも？
私はそうでしたよ。
完全に結末（＝目的地）見失っていましたもん。
誰かが示してくれた
なんとなく幸せそうな目的地に向かって
ズンズン進んでた。
がんばっても、がんばっても、
満たされないわけだ。
やっと自分の望むゴールを目指して
歩き始めたってわけです。
あーよく気がついたね、よかった。
人生ストーリーがやっと動き出した。
５０年後？の結末に向かって、
確実に進んでる感覚。
自分が主人公になって、
自分の人生を描き始めた。
ストーリーとか人生を描くとか
ちょっとカッコイイから使ってるわけじゃなくて
本当に、
自分が主人公だと思ったら、
自分が動くしかなくなった。
誰かの指示なんて待ってられない。
ていうか、誰も指示なんてしてくれない。
私の人生だし。
もう全部自分で決めるしかない。
実はねー
今まで決めたことなかったんですよ、
依存体質だったから。
だから最初は
怖いとか、恥ずかしいとか、
整ってないとか、
めちゃくちゃビビってましたけど、
退職しちゃったし、
誰も指示してくれないし、
でも人一倍、情熱はあって、
成し遂げたい！諦めたくない！
って気持ちは強くて、
まじめだから何もしないってのもできなくて、
ちょっといつもと違う行動してみたんです。
例えば、
知り合いに、ボランティア興味あります！って言ったり、
おばあちゃんの家（空き家）、住むのもアリかもねーって言ったり、
よく行くカフェオーナーに「将来カフェしたいです」って言ったり、
本当にやるかどうかは別として、
言うだけなら、言えるじゃないですか。
そしたら、
ボランティアの中心メンバーになってイベント運営してたり、
おばあちゃんの家リノベ始めたり、
その一角をカフェかイベントスペースにする計画になってたり、
なんか、実現してしまうんです。
私が人生を動かしている実感。
すべて理想的かっていうと
まだまだ中途半端な感じではあるんですけど
でも、自分で道を作っている感覚がある。
ゴールまでは程遠いけど、
あと５０年あるし！
もうとにかく、楽しくて仕方ないです。
私の人生の主人公の座、誰にも渡さないぞ。
えーどうしよう、私、違和感だらけなんですけど！
違和感だらけで、大丈夫です～
今は目的地とちょっとズレてるんだと思いますけど、
違和感があるということは、
人生の目的地を
本当はわかっているということ。
心の奥の方で、ちゃあんと感じているということ。
心はちゃんとわかってるんです。
敏感なんです。
その感覚、大事にしてほしい。
これから４０年５０年続く人生、
もう無駄に足踏みするのやめて、
他人の人生のレールに乗っちゃうのもやめて、
自分の設定した目的地を目指して、
今から歩き始めましょう！
間に合う間に合う！
今までの人生、
今この瞬間にハッと気づくために
敢えて、めーっちゃ遠回りしてきたんです。
敢えて、ですよ。
無駄なことなんて一つもない！
その間に経験したことが
きっとこの先役に立つ。
私を助けてくれる。
私ずいぶんポジティブ人間になったなぁ。
毎日毎日の細かいことを気にしていると、
ネガティブになっちゃうんですけど、
人生を基準に考えると、
悩んでることがちーっちゃいことに思える瞬間がある。
人生は長いから。
今日の一日でうじうじしているより
残り５０年どうやって充実させるか考えたほうが
きっと幸せに近づく。
これから、いかようにも作り変えられる。
私はこの考えになって、
失敗も恐れなくなったし、
へこむことがあっても、
きたきた、
どうやって乗り越えてやろうか？
みたいに半分はワクワクしてます。
だって、主人公だから。
１話ごとに事件起こりますもんね。
何もなかったら、ストーリーとして面白くない。
なんか、そんな感覚です。
毎日の頑張っているエネルギーを、
望んでもいない未来に使うのはもったいない。
自分の人生に注いでください。
人生の主人公になって、
目的地を目指して、
日々歩いて行きましょう。
そして、
毎日を、人生を充実させましょう。
さて、どんなストーリーにしていこうかな。
コメント
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The agency’s designer Anthony Gilbert supplied a window in the south chapel in 1955, depicting Saint George and commemorating parishioner George Howell.
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Overall, mental assessment plays a critical role in health psychology.
On September 3, Temple College introduced classes would be held online for the remainder of the fall semester following the COVID-19 outbreak on the campus.
Returning as base power is GM’s 3.6-liter “high feature” twincam 24-valve V-6 with variable valve timing and now a few more horses: 255, up three.
Higgs was born in Edgecombe County, close to Pace, North Carolina, United States.
These LED display billboards can display customized messages to MINI drivers as they strategy.
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To predict and execute stop loss means if the share seems to go down, then point a value to execute stop loss.
You’ll be able to add some names or dates that might remind you of the exact second and time you could have shared in the country.
Over the counter or formal exchanges will be methods of it getting traded.
Napster was the brainchild of Sean Parker and Shawn Fanning.
You put money into an annuity, either in a lump sum or over time (before you retire, naturally), and in return you receive regular payments back, almost like a salary.
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A supply said: ‘The man in query felt very much victimized by the behaviour of his Strictly associate.
However Pugin was soon to fall out with Warrington, claiming “The Glass-Painters will shorten my days, they are the greatest plague I have.
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The Coast Guard’s mishmash job description stems from the truth that the service itself is a conglomeration of different government businesses that have been integrated over the centuries.S.
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This is why you by no means see CEOs of large corporations stepping into the warehouse and serving to to get orders by means of (except, perhaps, in picture ops).
This is analogous to a vertically integrated company which may own an oil field, a refinery, and retail gas stations.
Excessive-stress air blended with an abrasive material cuts away at the glass floor to create the specified effect.
They appear to promote their inventory to cash in on the returns from their investment.
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Hours earlier, at the Trinity Episcopal Church in coastal Move Christian, Mississippi, 15 people drowned in Camille’s historic storm surge.
She noticed alternative within the licensing house for libraries after a career in media that included roles at the Disney Channel and the BBC.
For that purpose and in addition because of his hippyish appearance, Grefe was affectionately often known as “Gandalf” amongst chess associates.
He’s survived by his wife, Christine, at Wilbur; two daughters, Joann Portch, Wilbur and Janice Brown of Chattanooga, Tennessee; 5 grandchildren; three brothers, Henry Kallenberger of Marlin; Oscar Kallenberger of Milton-Freewater, Oregon; and Raymond Kallenberger of Field Elder, Montana; four sisters, Emma Zimbelman, Odessa; Ida Schorzman, Marlin; Esther Fink, Moses Lake, and Clara Cox, of Portland, Oregon.
European stock markets, the Dow Jones Industrial Average, NASDAQ Composite, and S&P 500 all closed down.
But personality tests tend to ask similar questions worded differently or approaching the same concept from a different angle, partly to help weed out random or intentionally deceptive answers, partly to develop a better statistical picture of the responses.
The elevated risk and potentially harmful environment of these industries requires skill and precision.
When you frequent the restaurant, then there’s a great probability that you have one of those!
From early April to mid Could 2003 sturdy bullish trends represented good shopping for alternative in two completely different, but linked markets.
Later in 1979, Clarke grew to become a presenter on the BBC2 arts programme Mainstream and the BBC Radio four programme Kaleidescope, conducting interviews with figures including Brassaï, Andy Warhol, John Lennon, and Elisabeth Lutyens.
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Run by Smt. Kukreja Instructional Society, this institute is one other identify in the record of top hospitality administration faculties for 2019.
Avoiding these taxes means more of one’s assets will be distributed to their heirs.
It was hosted by Boom, Shinee’s Key, and Itzy’s Yuna, and broadcast reside at Namdong Gymnasium from 18:00 (KST).
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Memphis Journal mentioned that the guide makes it “official and indisputable” that June “is a poet”.
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GDP, each dollar stimulating $1.27 in further activity.
Funeral companies will be held Saturday, March 8 at 1 p.m.
These reports doc of Palestinian children being crushed, intimidated, humiliated, verbally abused and injured by Israeli troopers.
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Ethiopia and Liberia were the one African powers to resist the European “Scramble for Africa.” The empire’s lengthy reign started round 1270 C.E., when the Solomonic Dynasty overthrew the Zagwe Dynasty, declaring they owned the rights to the land based on a supposed lineage to King Solomon, shifting energy to the Habesha folks.
Savage, James D. (1988) Balanced Budgets and American Politics.
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Assisted dwelling amenities provide care to people who require assistance with activities of every day living.
The European Investment Bank made its first borrowing operation in euros in 1997, over a year before the new European currency was launched, on 1 January 1999.
Elmo Historic District to the top of the mountain, where passengers can go to the Nationwide Park Service’s Point Park and the Battles for Chattanooga Museum.
Children with disorganized attachment disorder may show signs of avoidance, resistance, or disorientation when interacting with their caregiver.
Your discretionary cashflow will be what is left, after your obligatory costs and ventures are finished.
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In the case of niche companies, attempting to promote it might probably turn into a blessing or a problem for the agency.
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In 2013, Scottish publication The Scotsman requested director Mark Andrews about the potential for a sequel.
It subsequently emerged that ESPN officials had greenlit the broadcast regardless of Bishop Sycamore being sluggish to offer rudimentary details about the school and the crew, opposite to longstanding practice for top faculties appearing on the network.
Additionally they handle the entire taxation system of the corporate and even advise for a similar if required.
Evelyn Fretz-Bohanon Evelyn Eva (Godfrey) Fretz-Bohanon, 90, longtime Seminole resident died Sunday, Dec.
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Describe how the certification program will impact your job, department, and company.
Though some states may balk at collecting greater taxes to cowl this, Evermore reminds us that unemployment advantages are not just for the individual who is out of a job.
After all, nothing boosts the need to excel just like the recognition of achievement.
One of the primary driving forces behind the rise of finance marketplaces is the increasing consumer demand for convenient, accessible, and cost-effective financial solutions.
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Furthermore, it will explore possibilities to enhance data reporting in order to allow for a regular assessment of the effectiveness of national loan enforcement regimes.
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She had one sister, Rosemary Mayer, a sculptor who was a member of related conceptual artwork communities during the 1970s and 1980s, along with being a founding member of the feminist art area A.I.R.
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As Wall Street analyst and traders return their focus to the markets and not the beach we will most certainly return our attention to the crisis.
Most of the portfolio is invested in funds or certificates that purpose to replicate the RICI index or its sub-indexes.