こんにちは。kazです。
超生きにくさを感じていた私なんですが、
今めちゃくちゃ人生が有意義になりました。
完璧主義で、
イライラしやすくて、
こういう性格変えられないの！
どうせ私は幸せになれないの！って
開き直ったり、
やっぱり私はできない
なんでみんなできるの？
どうせ私なんてって
落ち込んだり、
そんな人だったのですが、
うつ病と診断されて、
学校（職場）に行けなくなって、
生きていてもしょうがないって
そこまでいったんですけど、
あれから約１年、
今が人生で一番充実してるなんて。
そしてこれからもっともっと
幸せになれそうだーなんて思ってる。
１年の間に何があったのか、
それを上手くお伝えできれば
今辛い状況にある人たちの
助けになると思っているので、
こうして綴っています。
少しずつ出していくしかできない。
それが、誰かの何らかの
きっかけになればいいなと思っています。
で、人生が前に進み始めたのは、
タイトルにもある通り、
『人生の主人公になれた』というのが
大きいと思っています。
いくらがんばっても幸せな結末はやってこないんですよ、
それが、主人公になると毎日が充実するんですよ、
人生を考え始めたあなたなら大丈夫！
そのへんを書いていこうと思います。
『毎日の積み重ねが人生』の恐ろしい事実
まず、人生について考えたことってあります？
私はありませんでした。
毎日毎日一生懸命生きていましたよ。
仕事に育児に家事、
手を抜くことができない人だったから、
全力で生きていました。
その毎日の積み重ねが人生。
全身全霊を注いでいるんですから、
悪い人生になるはずがない！
絶対に幸せな人生になるんだ！
言葉にしたことはありませんでしたが、
幸せになって当たり前でしょ、くらいに思っていたのかな。
でも現実は・・・
不幸せではなかったです。
恵まれていた方かもしれません。
んー・・・でも・・・
思っていた幸せではないんだなぁ。
なんか違う。
こんなに頑張ってるんだから、
もっと幸せ感じられてもいいはずなのに、
違うんだよなぁ・・・
いつもいつも、
こんな感じでした。
辛くて辛くて仕方ないわけではない。
でもずーっと違和感があった。
それを続けていたら、倒れてしまった。
うつの時はさすがに辛かったです。
なんか違う、なんか違う、
もっと良くなる、もっと幸せになれる、
でもなんか違うんだよーーー
それが私の中で膨らんで、破裂したんだと思います。
それで初めて人生に向き合うことに。
『毎日の積み重ねが人生になる』
を、大きく勘違いしていました。
８０歳くらいになって、
「私の人生ってこういうもんだったなぁ。
あの時はあんなことして、
この時はこんなことして、
毎日がんばってたよなぁ。」
って後から振り返るものって思っていました。
毎日を過ごしていたら、
なんとなく人生ができあがっていく、
そんなイメージだったんです。
それはつまり、
目的地が設定されていないまま、
何となく毎日歩いていて、
８０余年、ここに到着していた。
これが私の人生でした。
チャンチャン。
え！！
いやいやいや、それで終わりなの！？
８０年以上がんばって、
なんとなくの場所に到着って！？
私は３６年でしたけど、
こういう人生を歩んでしまいました。
だからずっと違和感があった。
目的地は、まあ漠然と「幸せ」ではありましたが、
幸せって・・・なに？
・・・わかんない
だから、毎日、
目的にしてないところにたどり着いては、
なんか違うんだよなーって、
あたりまえ！！！
目的地もはっきりさせてないのに、
一生懸命歩いて、
はぁはぁ、ぜぇぜぇしながら、
毎日ひたすら歩いて歩いて、
ここどこー？なんか違うー。
そんな人生にしちゃっていたのは、
紛れもなく、自分。
チーーーン。
じゃあどうすればいいかって、
目的地を決める！！！
ゴール目指して歩き出す。
がんばり屋の私は、
休むことなく歩く。
目的地に近づいているのがわかるから、
ワクワクしながら歩ける。
それが今の毎日の充実感ってわけ。
人生の主人公になるって、どういうこと？
漫画でもアニメでもドラマでもいいんですけど、
結末に向かってストーリーは進んでいますよね。
山あり、谷あり、
大波、小波、
主人公がいろんな場面で、
いろんな経験をして、
そして結末がやってくる。
もし
主人公が行動していなかったら？
主人公がストーリーと関係ないことしていたら？
ストーリーは進まない、
その話終わらない、
ていうか、そんなドラマつまんないから、見ない。
ですよね。
下手したら、
自分のストーリーほったらかして、
他人のストーリーをなぞってたなんてことも？
私はそうでしたよ。
完全に結末（＝目的地）見失っていましたもん。
誰かが示してくれた
なんとなく幸せそうな目的地に向かって
ズンズン進んでた。
がんばっても、がんばっても、
満たされないわけだ。
やっと自分の望むゴールを目指して
歩き始めたってわけです。
あーよく気がついたね、よかった。
人生ストーリーがやっと動き出した。
５０年後？の結末に向かって、
確実に進んでる感覚。
自分が主人公になって、
自分の人生を描き始めた。
ストーリーとか人生を描くとか
ちょっとカッコイイから使ってるわけじゃなくて
本当に、
自分が主人公だと思ったら、
自分が動くしかなくなった。
誰かの指示なんて待ってられない。
ていうか、誰も指示なんてしてくれない。
私の人生だし。
もう全部自分で決めるしかない。
実はねー
今まで決めたことなかったんですよ、
依存体質だったから。
だから最初は
怖いとか、恥ずかしいとか、
整ってないとか、
めちゃくちゃビビってましたけど、
退職しちゃったし、
誰も指示してくれないし、
でも人一倍、情熱はあって、
成し遂げたい！諦めたくない！
って気持ちは強くて、
まじめだから何もしないってのもできなくて、
ちょっといつもと違う行動してみたんです。
例えば、
知り合いに、ボランティア興味あります！って言ったり、
おばあちゃんの家（空き家）、住むのもアリかもねーって言ったり、
よく行くカフェオーナーに「将来カフェしたいです」って言ったり、
本当にやるかどうかは別として、
言うだけなら、言えるじゃないですか。
そしたら、
ボランティアの中心メンバーになってイベント運営してたり、
おばあちゃんの家リノベ始めたり、
その一角をカフェかイベントスペースにする計画になってたり、
なんか、実現してしまうんです。
私が人生を動かしている実感。
すべて理想的かっていうと
まだまだ中途半端な感じではあるんですけど
でも、自分で道を作っている感覚がある。
ゴールまでは程遠いけど、
あと５０年あるし！
もうとにかく、楽しくて仕方ないです。
私の人生の主人公の座、誰にも渡さないぞ。
えーどうしよう、私、違和感だらけなんですけど！
違和感だらけで、大丈夫です～
今は目的地とちょっとズレてるんだと思いますけど、
違和感があるということは、
人生の目的地を
本当はわかっているということ。
心の奥の方で、ちゃあんと感じているということ。
心はちゃんとわかってるんです。
敏感なんです。
その感覚、大事にしてほしい。
これから４０年５０年続く人生、
もう無駄に足踏みするのやめて、
他人の人生のレールに乗っちゃうのもやめて、
自分の設定した目的地を目指して、
今から歩き始めましょう！
間に合う間に合う！
今までの人生、
今この瞬間にハッと気づくために
敢えて、めーっちゃ遠回りしてきたんです。
敢えて、ですよ。
無駄なことなんて一つもない！
その間に経験したことが
きっとこの先役に立つ。
私を助けてくれる。
私ずいぶんポジティブ人間になったなぁ。
毎日毎日の細かいことを気にしていると、
ネガティブになっちゃうんですけど、
人生を基準に考えると、
悩んでることがちーっちゃいことに思える瞬間がある。
人生は長いから。
今日の一日でうじうじしているより
残り５０年どうやって充実させるか考えたほうが
きっと幸せに近づく。
これから、いかようにも作り変えられる。
私はこの考えになって、
失敗も恐れなくなったし、
へこむことがあっても、
きたきた、
どうやって乗り越えてやろうか？
みたいに半分はワクワクしてます。
だって、主人公だから。
１話ごとに事件起こりますもんね。
何もなかったら、ストーリーとして面白くない。
なんか、そんな感覚です。
毎日の頑張っているエネルギーを、
望んでもいない未来に使うのはもったいない。
自分の人生に注いでください。
人生の主人公になって、
目的地を目指して、
日々歩いて行きましょう。
そして、
毎日を、人生を充実させましょう。
さて、どんなストーリーにしていこうかな。
コメント
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This is getting a bit more subjective, but I much prefer the Zune Marketplace. The interface is colorful, has more flair, and some cool features like ‘Mixview’ that let you quickly see related albums, songs, or other users related to what you’re listening to. Clicking on one of those will center on that item, and another set of “neighbors” will come into view, allowing you to navigate around exploring by similar artists, songs, or users. Speaking of users, the Zune “Social” is also great fun, letting you find others with shared tastes and becoming friends with them. You then can listen to a playlist created based on an amalgamation of what all your friends are listening to, which is also enjoyable. Those concerned with privacy will be relieved to know you can prevent the public from seeing your personal listening habits if you so choose.
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Within the penultimate spherical Carlsen pulled degree with Kramnik by defeating Radjabov, while Kramnik drew against Gelfand.
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